A man was looking for an empty seat in church... "Is that seat saved?" he asked a lady... "No," she replied, "but I'm praying for it..."
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An elderly woman died, leaving specific instructions for her funeral... Specifically, there were to be no male pallbearers... According to her handwritten notes, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead..."
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A boy was watching his minister father write a sermon... "How do you know what to say?" he asked... "God tells me," his father replied... "Then why do you keep crossing things out?"
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A Sunday School teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds... After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" To which one boy answered, "Thou shall not kill..."
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A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying... To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17..." The next week, he asked how many people had read Mark 17... Every hand went up... The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only 16 chapters... I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying..."

It is always a good idea to watch out for people attempting to commit a crime... It's the whole premise behind neighborhood watch programs... It just so happens that some neighborhoods are bigger than others... Take what happened this week in Liverpool, England... Three men attempted to rob the Blacks outdoor equipment shop at Mathew Street... Unfortunately for them, someone saw them doing it... From 4,589 miles away!

Gary, in Dallas, Texas (U.S.), was watching a webcam of Mathew Street (famous for the Cavern Club, a frequent venue of the Beetles) and noticed the three men prop a ladder against a wall, break a window, and begin taking stuff out of the store... So he called Police...

Merseyside Police Inspector Damian Walsh said, "We were amazed when we were informed the person who reported the offence lived in the States..." Officers were sent to the scene, and the men were captured fleeing with their purloined goods...

And Blacks was really pleased... Chris Parkinson, the store supervisor, said We’ve got all the clothing back and it’s good to know that even our friends in the US are keeping an eye out for us..."

Take a picture of a glowstick with a camera at night and you have a point of light... Take the same picture while the glowstick is moving: instant lines! Now take similar pictures from the same spot and splice them together and what do you have? Light animation! And pretty cool animation at that... The images just seem to float in the air as they move around the scene... Take this dog walking across an alley, for instance... It's like a neon version of Scooby Doo! Or how about this bird chasing a worm across a countertop? Nice! And if you want to see more, check out http://tochka.jp/pikapika...

Not that getting stuck anywhere is a good thing, but if you are going to get stuck, a vat full of chocolate it a pretty good place! In this case, Darmin Garcia - a worker at Debelis Corp in Kenosha, Wisconsin - was working with a vat that had chocolate stuck in it... He entered the vat to attempt to push it down the hopper... Unfortunately, when it came loose he slid in and got stuck... Stuck waist deep in nice, warm, gooey chocolate! The chocolate was so thick that co-workers, police, and even firefighters couldn't pull him out... After two hours of trying they finally got him out by thinning out the chocolate with cocoa butter...

(At least he wouldn't have died of hunger!)

I was looking on a cooking website for a different steak marinade. I came across one that includes chopped chutney in the list of ingredients. Beside the entry, however, it says "Very optional". Huh? Pray tell, how can something be "very" optional?

The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone working on a Ph.D. dissertation or academic paper anywhere!

"It has long been known"... I didn't look up the original reference.
"Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study"... The other results didn't make any sense.
"Typical results are shown"... This is the prettiest graph.
"In my experience"... once.
"In case after case"... twice.
"In a series of cases"... thrice.
"It is believed that"... I think.
"It is generally believed that"... A couple of others think so, too.
"Correct within an order of magnitude"... Wrong.
"According to statistical analysis"... Rumor has it.
"A statistically oriented projection of the significance of these findings"... A wild guess.
"It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding of this phenomenon occurs"... I don't understand it.
"After additional study by my colleagues"... They don't understand it either.
"Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the experiment and to Cindy Adams for valuable discussions"... Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.
"It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field"... I quit.

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like . . . night.
3. On the other hand . . . you have different fingers.
4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6. Remember: half the people you know are below average.
7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
9. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
10. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
12. I intend to live forever -- so far so good.
13. Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.
14. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
15. Support bacteria -- they're the only culture some people have.

Sometimes you just like to look... You know, when you wander through the mall or along the plaza, just looking in the windows and seeing what each store has... And it's all perfectly safe and inexpensive, right? Just don't go in the store and everything is fine...

Well, not anymore! The Ralph Lauren store on Madison Avenue in New York City (U.S.) now lets you order the stuff in the window without even entering the store! A projector displays images of products on the store window, while a thin foil mounted on the glass makes the display a giant touch screen... Add the credit card swiper on the outside, and now passers-by can pick up a polo shirt without even entering the store! And while it is only in one store so far, if sales do well, the plan is to start installing the technology in other stores...

(Yeah, I can just hear the conversation: "I didn't even go in the store, how could I have spent too much?!?!")

We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological hints:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3. Drive to Illinois and remain there until Halloween.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay in Florida.

For further advice:



We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:
If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Illinois.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay you money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.
EVACUATION ROUTE:
If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying area.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES:
If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now. Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of Spam.
In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies: 23 flashlights; at least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights. Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. Nobody knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so get some!) A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant. A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.) A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through a hurricane; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.) $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
Good luck, and remember: its great living in paradise.